All right, it’s been a while since anyone called me “kid.” But I still treasure that moment in the Russian Tea room when the famed master of Manhattan shtick paid me the supreme compliment. This is my only celebrity anecdote, so if you want to hear the rest of the story, you’ll have to ask.

I learned to write funny at Esther’s Follies, Austin’s legendary comedy cabaret. Our Saturday night crowds were tough critics. They let us know when they were bored. Esther’s was a tough school but it taught me respect for the ultimate arbiter of any creative effort: the audience.

Where are you based? - Austin, Texas. If you’re in Austin too, great! If not, no problem. I’ve worked for clients from all over, for people I’ve never met. In fact, one of my first jobs was a long-distance arrangement with a company in Dallas. This was before fax or the internet, and the quickest, most reliable way to send copy was Greyhound bus: get it on the 9:25 and it’d be there just after lunch. I can still remember pushing through a jammed terminal yelling “Let me through! My copy has to catch a bus!”

So if you’re outside Austin, or even Texas, don’t sweat it. In fact, sometimes working by phone and e-mail is actually more efficient than face-to-face: saves me time, saves you money.

Can you write straight copy, no jokes? - Sure! If you’re like most of my clients, straight copy—clear concise prose—is what you want most of the time. Flashy clever ads have their place but as a rule copywriting should be at the service of the product.

An ad is selective information. Hemmingway (known around here as “the other Ernest”) said the hardest part of writing was knowing what to leave out. That rule holds true for advertising as well as literature. Dump everything into your brochure or home page and you wind up with, well, a dump.

Can you come up with ideas too? - Ideas and words go together. When you hire a writer, you’re also hiring an idea-maker. Copywriting is more than just putting information into complete sentences. It means organizing content, arranging information around a theme (“Our service keeps our customers coming back.”) and identifying key sales points.

How much do you charge? - Depending on the job, I charge by the hour or the project. For first-time clients, I require a down payment of half the estimated fee. If you need something yesterday, I’ll do my best to accommodate you, although I charge extra for last-minute rush jobs. For the record, I’ve never had a complaint about my prices.

Do you write for the web? - Do geese honk? I wrote this website. A lot of others too. Writing for the web is both different and the same as print. Despite the hype, people don’t come to your website for an “interactive experience.” They want information. If you hire me, I’ll give it to them in plain words and active verbs.

Are you a technical writer? - I can—and have—written about a variety of technologies, but if you want geekspeak, that’s probably not me. What I’m good at is getting to the nut of a technical project and translating it into consumer terms. Plain talk doesn’t mean dumbing things down; it means putting a subject in the prospect’s native tongue. Whether the subject is chocolate chips or computer chips, clarity is the first order of business.

What do you do best? - I listen. Don’t tell anyone, but the secret to effective copywriting is paying attention to the client. I believe that advertising is collaborative, a meeting of minds between the client, the creative team and the empty chair at the table, the customer – the person we’re all trying to reach.

Where did Jake Ratchett come from? - “Jake Ratchett, Short Detective” is a private-eye parody that I and Terry Galloway, who plays Jake, created for Esther’s Follies years ago. The show was phenomenally popular and Terry continues to do him from time to time. Hard-boiled and soft-hearted, Jake is short in stature but he’s a hard dick to keep down. You’ll find him wherever there’s danger, dames and rotgut whiskey, hard on the case.

Who designed your web site? - My site in its original form was designed and built by Richard Otto, who patiently took it from idea to reality. Since then it has been renovated by Hunter Cross. Richard can be reached at CognitiveDesign Solutions: 602-999-3475 or at richotto98@netscape.net. Hunter Cross can be reached at hunter@scheme23a.com.

And, while I’m at it, a special tip of the hat to Bruce Maness, a one-man media master who directed, lit, shot and edited my video, Get Sharpe. If you haven’t clicked on it yet, see it now. You’re in for a treat.

How do I get Sharpe? - Call me at 512-444-4876.
Or e-mail me. Let’s talk. You’ll have some questions, and so will I. Hey, I’m an easy guy to get along with. I like to write. You need a writer. Sounds like we’re made for each other.